| # | Quote |
|---|
| 1 | [about working with Don Adams on Get Smart (1965)] I didn't get along very well with Don Adams, but then again nobody did. Don was one of those guys that was just so bloody insecure that he had to carry his Emmys around with him in his car. . . . We just didn't get along. He was unapproachable. He would walk out. Do his lines. Disappear. . . . [He] he did the same act over and over. I liked him and thought he was clever, but he never put anything into it. . . . He was never a nice man. |
| 2 | [on Pat Boone] I outed Pat Boone as a cigar smoker--right on the show. Pat has a locker at the big cigar shop in Beverly Hills. Whenever I did his show we'd always smoke a cigar together. I said, "Nobody knows this--but you're a cigar smoker!" The audience went, "Oooooh . . . " This Christian audience. He said, "Well, my wife won't let me at home, but every once in a while after dinner . . . " Y'know? Well, he also drinks good brandy and curses and tells dirty jokes! Outing him for the cigar was enough. He's a nice guy, Pat. |
| 3 | [on Jack Carter] Jack Carter is a legend in his own time . . . Jack is one of the most bizarre human beings. Jack doesn't have any friends in show business, y'know. He has been mean to everybody, vindictive to everybody. There's a great old show business joke. A clinical psychologist comes to Las Vegas to do a story on prostitution. He gets three prostitutes in his office, one at a time. He says to the first one, "Do you ever have sexual fantasies?" "Certainly I do." "But how can you? You do this like 20 times a day." "That's business, but I have my own fantasies. I want to make love to Gregory Peck. He's the symbol of gentility and masculinity mixed together. I want to slather him with honey and . . . " She goes on and on. Next girl comes in. Same story. "I want to have an affair with Anthony Quinn because he has the most animal magnetism. I want to hang him from the rafters . . . " and so on. Next girl comes in. Psychologist says, "How about you?" She says, "I want to have an affair with Jack Carter." The guy says, "Why Jack Carter?" "Well," she says, "I have always wanted to be in show business and everyone in show business is always saying, 'Fuck Jack Carter! 'Fuck Jack Carter!'." |
| 4 | [about the time Shecky Greene got arrested for being in a drunken brawl in Harlem, NY] They took him to the desk sergeant. Desk sergeant asks, "You gonna call your lawyer?" He said, "No, my lawyer is in Las Vegas. My manager is in Los Angeles." "You have a manager?" "Yes, I'm an entertainer." The desk sergeant looked at him and said, "You're no fucking entertainer! You're a rummy! We picked you up and you were all boozed out." "No, I swear to God. I'm going to call [Jack E. Leonard]." "Is that your lawyer?" "No, Jack Leonard is that guy who is always on Ed Sullivan." "You mean that big fat guy that does all those insults?" "Yeah." "You don't know him. I'll dial the number. What's the number?" So the desk sergeant calls the number. "Is this Jack Leonard?" "Yes, this is Jack Leonard. What can I do for ya?" "This is Sergeant Jackson at the 84th Precinct. We got a guy down here in jail . . . you ever hear of Shecky Greene?" "Shecky Greene is the greatest comedian that ever lived!" "Well, we've got him down here in lock-up. We found him drunk." Jack says, "That's not Shecky Greene" and hangs up! |
| 5 | [on Buddy Hackett] Buddy played a charity golf tournament in Lancaster, California. He came off the golf course and put his clubs in the trunk of his car. He was changing his shoes to go in the bar, put his keys down, and closed the trunk--then realized, "Ah, I locked my keys in the trunk!" He couldn't open the car from inside, so he went into the bar and ordered a drink. He said, "Where's the phone book?" He looked up locksmiths. He found one that said 24 hours. It was about 7:00 in the evening. He called and said, "Can you come out?" The woman that answered said, "No, my husband is in bed. Call tomorrow." If that was you or me we'd just call the next locksmith. Buddy called back. He said, "Your ad says 24 hours. This is Buddy Hackett. If you don't come out I will sue you." So the guy came to open the trunk and Buddy gave him, whatever it was, 50 bucks or something. Now, this was years and years ago. Then one night I'm sitting with Buddy in the dressing room at the Sahara and talking. He picks up the phone. He says to the operator, "Get me Jackson 40956" or something like that. Somebody answers the phone and says, "Acme Lock Company" and he hangs up! A minute later I say to Buddy, "What was that?" He says, "What was what?" I said, "That phone call." He said, "What phone call? Oh, that?" Ever since that time he locked his keys in his car and that woman said [her] husband the locksmith couldn't come, he had been calling them for 11 years at 2:00 in the morning . . . and hanging up! Three days a week! |
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